I swear god or herbie drove my car home
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
