I could make wine with my vomit
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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