When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
