You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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