Got a toothbrush?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
