Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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