He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize