Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
