Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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