highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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