Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
