I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
