he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
