If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
