what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
