He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize