: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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