it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
