sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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