My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
