The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
