I must be too annoying 4 u.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
