What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
