Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
