We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
