We won't sleep together?
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
