Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
