the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
