Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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