Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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