so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
