Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize