Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you didnt know i had herpes?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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