Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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