I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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