it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
do herpes really smell.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
