I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
