you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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