That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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