I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
