so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he was CRYING into my vagina
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
