***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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