So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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