I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
