Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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