a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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