New invention idea: vibrating tampons
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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