I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
