New low: just hacked my moms facebook
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
