Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
