I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
