If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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