He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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