I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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