Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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