Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize