I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
