theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
