1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
