The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
we're so committed to being not committed
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
