I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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